Talking to Children
What to say to children and how to talk to them can be difficult for parents. Here are some issues for parents to be aware of / consider:
- In the absence of explanations as to why significant changes have occurred in their family, children will try to make sense of it by guessing, ‘filling in the gaps’ and sometimes making wrong assumptions –for example they may feel they are part of the problem and feel rejected by a father who now is not allowed to see them as often.
- Children will probably, at some stage, want to know WHY Dad did what he did. It may help them to know that the adults are struggling to make sense of this also as it is usually very complicated. In some cases, Dad may be getting some help to try and work this out.
- Children will have numerous, often complex, feelings about their father’s offending: They will need time to process the information. They may well feel extremely angry about the impact the offences have / will have on their own, and others’ lives; they may be worried about friends finding out; they may be anxious about their father’s future behaviour; the possibility of him going to prison and being able to cope. Children may feel unable to express / discuss these feelings with parents as they may worry about upsetting them further – they need to know that parents understand this, and, if possible, be directed towards another trusted adult they may be able to talk to and confide in.
- Often, one of the greatest difficulties for a parent is facing up to the effects of their offending upon their own children. It is important to bear in mind, however, that the child is likely to find out at some point and it is better that they find out in a controlled way from a supportive adult than by other means – children can often be angry when they feel significant information has been withheld from them, if they feel they had a right to know about it. Timing is important, however.
- Too much detail can be very disturbing for children – keep the details to a minimum when young – but let the child know it is OK to ask questions, although you may not be able to answer them all.
Below are some thoughts about possible ways in which the offences might be conveyed – they are purely for consideration as each child and his/her functioning is different. Families will also differ in terms of the language they will be most comfortable with.
Dad’s done something very wrong. He’s been looking at rude things on the Internet. Sexual things. And some of those things were to do with children, which is against the law, so the police are involved and are deciding what to do about it.
Dad’s got problems with his thinking about ‘what’s OK and what’s not’ when it comes to sexual things. He’s been looking at a lot of sexual stuff on the Internet and some of it had to do with children, which is against the law.
If relevant, you MAY want to include comments regarding
- Dad being very upset to have caused so much upset for all the family;
- he is trying to get some help with his problem;
- we really didn’t want you to have to hear this but thought you had a right to know what was going on.
It is best for the child if the parents can agree on what the child is to be told.
It is also useful to remember:
- Avoid anxiety, e.g. control your own emotions
- It is best to have more than one discussion, let them know they can talk at all times and ask questions as they think of them
- Consistent messages from all care givers
- Listen
- Evidence suggests that if children see their parent is coping, then they do!
Finally, parents are likely to know their child best and be the best judge of how to talk to him/her.
